


Unholy Crapola!!!

by Trystero



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Mary Sue, Parody, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 05:28:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trystero/pseuds/Trystero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>F!Courier meets Col. James Hsu and her tiny brain is overawed by his manly commandingness<br/>50 Shades of Grey piss-take.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unholy Crapola!!!

I wake up on my 21st birthday in the Followers compound in Freeside, having choked on Cheezy Poofs, again, and nearly died, again. This happens to me a lot because I have no gag reflex so cannot tell the difference between eating and breathing until it’s too late!

That’s just one of my terrible flaws. I’m also terribly slim and gangly and just can’t seem to put weight on, no matter how many Cheezy Poofs I inhale. Oh, hee hee, not like that!

Anyway so I open my eyes and holy crap! This CUTE blonde doctor is looking down at me! I want him as a companion immediately. I tell him about my mission to save the world and ask him if he wants to come with me.  
He says, “No offence intended, but why should I go anywhere with you?” Rude, much?  
So I patiently explain, “This place is really complicated and stuff. You’re smart. Can you help me do... things?”  
He goes, “Hm. Wow. You sound like you really do need some help. Look, I can help you out, but you can’t do anything stup- ahem. I mean you can’t... help ‘bad’ people..?”  
Holy crap! He wants me!  
“Mary Lamé,” I introduce myself holding out my hand. “Pronounced la may, you know like the cloth that’s made of solid silver?”  
“It’s not really made of silver.. uh, Arcade Gannon,” he says, shaking my hand. Oh my god his hand is so muscular and manly and virile he nearly crushes me! My inner ballerina does two pirouettes and a grand-plié!

I jump out of bed and go looking for a mirror where I can try and fail to do something, anything, with my wild untameable mane of hair. Huge wild untameable curls cascade in front of my eyes, and I give up as I always do. It’s just too wild and untameable, like my wild untameable spirit!

***

So it’s a day later and we are in Camp McCarran doing some missions and I have to go talk to this guy called Colonel James Hsu and, holy crap, the guy is gorgeous! But omigod it was so embarrassing as soon as I stepped into his office I trip over my wild untameable mane and fly right across his office and land in his lap! EmBARRAssing! But anyway he is soooo nice about it.

Later Arcade and me are downstairs in the bar and people there are saying how Colonel James Hsu is like really important and powerful and one of the most important and powerful people in the world. So of course, I’m like, that’s not impressive to me but actually it really is.

Arcade is really into me but he hasn’t made his move yet. I don’t want him to because I’m not into him. I was, until I found out that he hasn’t used his awesome education to get rich, not even at all. What an idiot. I’m so over college guys.

I drink 11 glasses of absinthe and then Arcade does make his move, omigod what a creeper! I start to get off my barstool and he grabs me round the waist!  
“Whoops, careful there drunk girl,” he says.  
“Jusht becaushe I had a drink doesh not mean you can molesht my waisht!” I say, filled with righteous indignation. I run across the bar and vomit really hard, and then I see I have vomited on Colonel James Hsu’s boots.  
I look up and am surprised to see him because usually my wild untameable mane would be cascading in my eyes, but he is holding it for me!  
“I find holding the hair of drunk girls vomiting on me really sexy,” he whispers. “I want you, Mary Lamé.” HOLY CRAP!

He takes me upstairs and ties me to his bed. His fingers brush my bare nipples and I instantly have a world shattering orgasm. My inner ayurvedic yoga guru does nine sun salutes and a half moon pose!

“You are very responsive,” he murmurs darkly. Omigod he’s so dark and tortured.  
“It’s because I am inexplicably a virgin!” I exclaim.  
That gets him, like, REALLY excited and he makes me have tons more world shattering orgasms. Then he puts his erection all the way down my throat and comes in my lungs, which causes me to die from pneumonia a week later, but that’s another story.

The next morning he isn’t in the bed so I get up and put on his khaki tunic with bellowed hip pockets and khaki breeches, desert facewrap and hardened leather pauldrons, black leather fingerless gloves, arm wraps, brown boots and khaki puttees.  
I feel really sexy in his clothes.

I go into the kitchen and sing Ave Maria loudly while I use everything in his kitchen to make him a 15-course breakfast which is what I imagine people normally do.

He comes in and gives me a bit of paper. I ask what it is and he says it’s a contract. 

So after he touches my nipple and gives me another world shattering orgasm I go looking for Arcade to read it for me.

“This is a load of complete shit,” says Arcade, when I find him and show him the contract. “It’s a civil non-disclosure agreement, which is inanely stupid because one, you don’t have any money or property so he can’t actually get anything off you even if he sues you, and two, there’s even less point in suing you if you publicly disclose that he’s a sick fuck because once that cat’s out of the bag, it’s not going to go back in.”

I don’t know why Arcade is talking about cats, he’s such a silly.

Anyway it turns out the contract says I have to wear what he likes me to wear, and I have to keep fit by running up and down the stairs in Camp McCarran 100 times every morning and afternoon.

I go back and negotiate him down to 99 times. He doesn’t argue because I am a damn good negotiator and he can see when he’s beat.

I ask him “So what’s this outfit you want me to wear?”  
He goes and gets an expensive looking box and pulls out the most expensive looking outfit I have ever seen. Holy crap!  
“Is this for me?” I squeal with delight.  
“Yes, I want you to look good for me baby. You must wear this from now on,” he says, all commanding and manly.

I put it on and omigod, I feel so grown up in it! I’m wearing a spiked collar around my neck, a leather corset that wraps around my waist, not covering my breasts, "X" shaped pieces of black sticky-tape covering my nipples, a pair of leather shorts, a leather strap on my left leg and a pair of high heels and leather leg braces; all wrapped in chains!

“It’s so beautiful,” I say breathily.

He touches my nipple through the tape and it makes me orgasm so hard I vomit on his boots and he holds my wild untameable mane from cascading into my eyes.  
“It’s so cute when you do that, I must fuck you again,” he says and I blush shyly. My inner nail technician is doing a bend and snap!!!  
He kisses me hard and doesn’t mind the taste of vomit which is so sweet and sexy of him.

He takes me for a ride in his vertibird and I am so impressed! I can’t decide if I’m going to orgasm or vomit!

I can’t wait to marry him, be rich too and have children with classy names like Edward, Christian, Bella and Anastasia to show how classy I really am! Unlike all that riff-raff with non-classy names like "Arcade".

I practice entering my future married name over and over again on my PiPboY...  
 _Mary Hsu_  
 _Mary Hsu_  
 _Mary Hsu_  
 _Mary Hsu_  
 _Mary Hsu..._


End file.
